Despair and Depression

I seem to be doing worse. It's been eleven years, this fall, since I started at the university, and I keep on falling back to nothing.

I think one of the worst things that could happen to me, would be suddenly gaining a lot of money. It's quite possible I'd never do anything at all, if that would happen.  On the other hand, worrying about money is a total mind-killer for me.

Sometimes I miss those deepest parts of sleep, when there are no thoughts or sensations.

I think I've mentioned I sometimes draw in my dreams.  I had an informative one a few nights ago.  Apparently, I've drawn one hundred and thirty-five comic pages when dreaming. It's a shame...

The reason I'm not drawing is probably the same I'm not doing much of anything else, either. I have almost no desire or passion...  Strictly speaking, I'm doing actually BETTER today, since I'm capable of writing, but I was feeling terribly down last night.  I can hardly believe I actually drew what little comic there is currently, it actually seems beyond my ability to draw, focus and  organize.

Mmohdear....

Art and....

Mostly artwork here. The thing is, when I'm depressed, I don't write blog posts.

I do have that single-mindedness trait that can be so useful in science, but it really messes things up when it's focused on a show or a book series or such.

Depression?

Okay, so according to one's standard eldritch-horror type view of the universe, nothing makes sense, nothing matters on any larger scale, and the entirety of all humanity ever accomplished will be for nothing. 

Got that? Cool. 

Now, naturally since nothing is of any particular importance, and you could die in about two seconds after reading this, you can pretty much choose yourself what you want your life to be about, what is your purpose, basically what you want to do. 

Which is your basic "You are the main character of your life" spiel.

I've been looking at my motivations for a while now, trying to see if they're the reason for my lack of, what I see as accomplishments, in my life, thus far. And....

I am indeed lacking in motivation, in drive, in the need to get things done. 

Sure, there are things I wish for - for good things for everyone, for nice, hedonistic things for myself, and, and I do care about people, at least on some level. It hurts when they're hurting and all that.

It's just... I don't really care for things, at least, per se. I've practically trained myself to NOT care for items. I mean, I love stories quite a bit, but I do not need to own any sort of physical media for them, or to even experience them twice... and I don't particularily care which of the various good stories I get to see... or, at this point, with the amount of stories I've already digested, if I even experience further stories.  

Other material goods seem equally pointless, I cannot really think of any I cannot do without. 

Personality-wise, I'm an introverted recluse, so while I do actually enjoy human company, I can do with a very frugal amount of it. 

Relationship-wise - well, okay, I'm a bit lonely, but I'm quite accustomed to it, and to be in a relationship would once again be, most likely, an equal mix of, well, various things.

I have some self-esteem issues, so it's hard to see myself ever accomplishing anything relevant, but I might have some interests there. Still, at best I would accomplish the same things thousands have before me.

I do like having a warm, dry place to sleep, eating, sleeping and washing regularily. Although it would be somewhat less bothersome if I didn't need to do those things. 

I'm sorry, I guess I'm just feeling particularily apathetic right now.

So, what's my motivation in this scene?